2010: It was what it was...

Picture it: May of 2010.. A cool spring breeze rustles through the newly blooming trees. A group of friends are sitting outside enjoying the warm evening air and partaking of some refreshing adult beverages. Sounds lovely right?? Well, it was. Until that peaceful little group started throwing back the shots. Or maybe it was just me?? I'm not sure, even to this day.

First of all, I guess you would've considered me "on the wagon," at that time. Not that I'm an alcoholic but I just don't drink much at all these days. And while we're on the subject, what the hell kind of a phrase is that anyways; on the wagon? I know it's like, "Oh you know Sam? Yeah he's off the wagon." Like he fell off or something which makes sense because I wouldn't want to ride on a wagon while inibriated but whatev. Why would you get on a wagon in the first place if you were about to get wasted?? And don't you think there should have been a wagon that just drove around picking up the passed out drunks?? That would make more sense, to me anyways. Then it would be the opposite. "He's on the wagon." "Noooo..." "Yep. They found him last night." I just watched this entire scenario take place in my mind. Incidently, the man who was picked up by the drunk wagon had a very large beer belly and was entirely too sweaty for his own good.

Back to the real story. We (or me, still not sure) decided to take some shots.. Sailor Jerry, I believe; but still, not sure. The details are a little foggy... All I remember is asking my brother-in-law if we could borrow a thousand dollars and when he asked if I was serious, I said, "Or you could just do the Billie Jean dance. I brought my Ipod." I really thought that was the most ingenious idea ever.

Fast-forward to the next morning.. I woke up on the couch and there is only one word that can possibly describe my appearance at this point: Disheveled. Mostly, I was a wreck.. I got up to go to the bathroom but when I actually stood up, a horrendous pain shot through my right foot. I looked down and my entire foot was purple and the little baby piggy toe was looking at me sideways. I limped my way to the bedroom and asked my husband what had happened to me.

At that moment I realized that my entire body was hurting.. And it was not like a hangover ache. It was like I entered a midnight body-building competition. When I asked Matt about it, he gave me the stink eye and said, "Don't you remember doing cartwheels last night??" Insert blank stare here. "You were doing cartwheels all over the yard last night and you were really good at them."

Later that day, we went over to my brother and sis-in-laws house. Micheal (BIL) tells me that in my drunken state, I had been spouting off strange facts and random numbers. One of those random numbers was shfourteenteen. He figured it had something to do with my gas milage because I had been talking about that (?!?). Then I tried to convince Matt that McDonalds does indeed sell cigarettes at the drivethru window and we should hurry over there.

Apparently, when we got home and Matt had turned off the car, I laid my seat back and said, "I'm going to bed." He had to carry me inside. Sometime between him putting me on the couch and when I awoke the next morning, I apparently had an adventure all on my own. One that involved breaking a poor innocent little toe...

And so ends another adventure of 2010.

2010: Leaving the past in the past.. Kind of.

Welp, there went 2010.. Pretty much the craziest year of my life, and I have had some insane times, let me tell ya!

Let's do a rewind. Because I think the last day of 2010 was by far the weirdest day of the year.

December 31, 2010: Everything was fine.. OR SO IT SEEMED.. Hahaha.....

I spent most of the day making myself pretty. Why?? Well, New Years Eve seemed like a pretty good excuse to get all cute-ed up. I did my hair nice and big, lots of curls, could pretty much pass for a wig.. You know how I roll. I even did fake lashes (gasp!). I got Emma dressed up in a cute outfit, and Matt was looking super fly. We were ready to paint the town red!

I know what you're thinking... Who takes a two year old out on New Years Eve?? I do! That's who.. Plus, neither of us were going to be drinking or doing anything more wild than perhaps performing a fabulous rendition of "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now," on my brand new KARAOKE MACHINE! (woot! woot!!)

We arrived at our dinner destination with 30 of our closest friends.. (Lol, like I have more than ten friends (Pah-leez!) but seriously, we had 30 people in our group... My Brother-in-law and Sis-in-law are like, super popular.) So we get seated and Matt and I are the only ones with a kid in tow but that is totally fine because she is so damn cute!

So we order our sushi and I'm shootin' the breeze with the ladies and all of the sudden, Emma leans back (she's on my lap) and literally, a stream of vomit shoots out of her mouth like a goddamn firehose. I manage to catch a handful of it in my left hand (and that took some skills because I still don't know how I ended up with it) and then it was over. I looked at Matt and said, "She's throwing up." (Hi, Obviousness, I know we've met before, but dayumm...) He looked at her and said, "Are you okay?" Those were the magic words because she looked up and did it AGAIN... And it's not just a little mouthful, it's like this vomit is coming from the depths of Hell and being expelled out of my daughter's teeny-tiny body.. I went into a trance like state at that point.. One hand still cupping the first bout of throw up, I stare straight ahead while Emma continues to wretch all over my front and Matt continues to yell with increasing volume, "ARE YOU OKAY?!" over and over again until she finally stops.

This is the best part of the story... We were seated in one of those huge round booths and we were not on the end.. Almost on the end, but in just enough that there was no escape. I feel like the vomit fairies were like, "Haha, suck on that, New Years Eve!"

So, Matt finally whisked Emma away to the restroom to clean up. I looked at my sissy and said, "What should I do with this?" and proceeded to give her the handful of throw-up. Then I took the walk of shame to the restroom which could not have been further away.. Then Matt, Emma and I went home to do laundry and shower. Matt and Emma were asleep by 11 and I stayed up til 2 watching Discovery ID.

HAPPY FREAKIN' NEW YEARS!!!

Next on the list of 2010: How many cartwheels does it take to make your whole body hurt for a week? Give me a few shots of grape vodka and I'll let you know.. (Hint: Schfourteenteen)

 Still don't understand?? You will.