Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

I feel like I've spent my whole life waiting for the next thing to come along. When I was young, I couldn't wait to grow up, just like every other kid. I hated school but loved learning. I wanted to chase my dreams and never look back or have anyone looking over my shoulder. I couldn't wait to drive, graduate, become an "adult." hahaha.... All that came and went and then I wanted to do the next thing that came into my head, and the next and the next. And so it went...

Then, suddenly, my entire life changed. I met Matt, spun around and around in a whirlwind of emotions, fell in love. I started dreaming of new things. And then we found out we were going to have a baby. And I thought, well, that's it! Dream time is over!

The day we found out we were going to be mommy and daddy to a little girl, we also found out that our little jelly bean had a heart problem. Several times we were told that she may not make it. Even now, thinking of the things the doctors said causes my chest to collapse just a little bit. I can't believe there was a possibility that Emma may have not been in our lives at all.

Everyone knows the end of the sad part of the story.. Emma got through everything. She was a healthy and happy baby who lit up the world! Mine and Matt's world, anyway. And the best part is, I had new dreams to look forward to. All of her firsts which happen faster than you can ever imagine. All of the things she will do and who she will become. She is so beautiful... I find myself just staring at her, wishing I could freeze each individual moment and hold onto it for just a few seconds longer.

I see some mothers who are frustrated with their children, they're tired and they have no patience left for those little grabbing hands and whining voices.. Not saying I haven't been there because I have. I just think that if, just once, somebody came to them and said, "Your child might not make it through today." Their whole outlook would change. They would hang on to those little grabbing hands and never ever let go. They would cherish every laugh and even some of the cries and whines... They would try to hang on every moment with their little ones.

I feel so blessed to have made it through that time. To have been able to hold my little girl day after day and tell her how much she means to me. She has a lot of health problems but luckily, nothing that has tried to take her from me again. I never want to forget what almost losing someone you love so much feels like, as awful as that sounds... I never want to go through the motions with my loved ones. I want them to know how precious they are to me.

In seven weeks, we will be welcoming a baby boy into our little family. I can't wait to meet him and care for him and watch him grow. I just wish that for today, these moments with Emma would last a little longer than normal...

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

This one is way too hard.. There are so many things I want to do before I die and I don't know that I could find a photo that would be able to express how I feel... I know I could say something cool, like I just want to parachute off a mountain or  go backpacking through Europe (yeah, right.. Let's be honest, unless there is a tram, I'm not carrying a backpack more than about two blocks). Of course there are a million and one crazy things I'd like to do before I die but at the end of the day, they're not the most important things in the world.

Before I die, I want to see my daughter graduate from high school AND college.. I want to see her fall in love and get married and become a mother. I want to hear her laugh billions of times, and I want to dry her little tears when she is sad. I want to be able to provide her with the things she needs and teach her to appreciate the things she has...

I want to grow old with my husband.. I want to enjoy the time we have together as a family. I have been so blessed to have found someone as amazing as Matt to share my life with... He is the catalyst for every happy moment I've had in my adult life.. I want to make him happy and I want to be with him through every moment...

You never know when your last moment on earth could be... I want to savor every moment I have with the people I love... I want my family to know how much they mean to me.

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

I cannot imagine living without either of these people!! They are the best part of my life and I love them so much!!!

And now there is another little person on it's way into our world.. November 4th is the big day! It is crazy but that is the exact same day Emma was due. Emma was my miracle baby and I think this one is super special too, considering the circumstances...

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Ray LaMontagne... I don't know what I'd do without your sad sad songs.. Or your happy love songs!! I love this guy!

Music makes me happy...

I love romantical songs. ♥

Haunted Wednesday

My brother told me that I live my life like I'm in a horror movie. I think that is only medium true.. I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder. I've never been stalked by a serial killer (as far as I know). I don't always turn on all the lights in the middle of the night when I have to go to the bathroom, and I would never run upstairs, essentially locking myself into a house if a killer was chasing me.

My brother is right in a sense, however, because I know how to terrify myself... And I do it everyday. When I am brushing my teeth before bed, I'm not sure I didn't see a ghostly figure pass behind me in the mirror. While lying in my bed, I may or may not see a shadow person leaning over the bed looking down at me with scary demon eyes..

This is the crazy world I live in.. I'm sure ghosts are targeting me because of my fear. They know I'm weak, I think... Probably aliens would like to abduct me as well.. I'm pretty sure they read minds so don't get carried away with your anti-alien thoughts. I thought I was getting abducted once. It was terrifying! But that story is for another time.

So, my recent paranormal experience was just a couple of weeks ago. I was getting ready to go to bed so I was turning off all of the lights. The last one was the light over the stove... I have a teapot that sits on the stove at all times. Just as I was switching off the light, I caught a glimpse of a person in the reflection of the teapot. This kind of shit is exactly what I am so damn afraid of! My breath caught in my throat. My heart felt like it moved six inches up my chest and was trying to slowly crawl through my tubes and out of my mouth. I wanted to scream and cry and run, but I couldn't. I could still see the reflection of the phantom in the teapot. And then. It. MOVED. That motherfucker actually moved towards me!! I thought my heart would stop beating and I would just die right then and there. But that didn't happen. What did happen was that I put my hand up to my mouth (nervous habit) and the same thing happened in the reflection. Just the fact that I saw more movement scared the shit out of me until my brain recognized that the scary creature in the reflection was in fact mirroring my movements. YES. It was me in the goddamn teapot. Not a ghost or a demon or even an alien waiting to take me to it's home planet... It was just little old me, terrifying myself AGAIN.

Then I had to go tell my husband what had happened. And he just laughed and called me an idiot, like usual.

The end.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

I don't even like to look at this picture.

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

Sara... Oh the craziness that ensues when we are together will hopefully never be leaked to the press.


Clearly the top pic needs no explanation. I have way too much fun with Sara!!

Haunted Wednesday

This is a true story.. It happened around mid January.

I was about to get out of bed and get ready for work. Emma came into my room and climbed in my bed with me. We were talking about bunnies and ducks when all of the sudden she got super quiet and just sat there. Staring straight ahead... Right at the closet.

Ok, I made that seem a lot scarier than it really was. I didn't suspect anything until she started talking again.

"Mommy.... Who's that?" Still staring at the closet.

"That's the closet, Lu."

"Mommy, he's scary!!" (Covering her eyes)

Now I'm like, WTH??

"Baby, that is just the closet......"

"MOMMY! He's scary!!" She cuddled up to me at this point and tucked her head into my chest.

Me: .... o_O

Emma looked back up at the closet again. This time she put her little fingers up to her eyes and slowly dragged them down her face. "He's sad, mommy. He's sad."

That was when I really got scared.

She looked back toward the closet again and said, "He's scary, mommy!"

I looked toward the closet and then back at my innocent little two year old. I shouted, "Tell him to get out!"

"GET OUT!!" She yelled.

Then we ran like the dickens.

That's how I handle scary situations with my child/future children. I'm a total wimp.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.