This is what happens when you lose your effing mind on a daily basis.

Don't. Judge. Me.

I don't know what must have happened to me in my lifetime, but at some point, I completely lost my grip on anything that even remotely resembles sanity. I used to be okay; I was at least able to slap myself in the face (mentally, of course) and tell myself to "Get real." I would find myself coping with my crazy thoughts and feelings but I was still able to come back to reality in the end.

Fast forward some number of years, stick me back into my mother's house and slap a sick child into the mix and do you know what that equals? Me: 2011. It's similar to Me: 2010, only now, I'm figuratively standing on the ledge of delirium with my arms out at my sides, my long hair blowing in the breeze and barely hanging on with the tips of my little toes. It's probably not as romantic as that sounds... It's more like, the scraggly wisps of what's left of the hair I haven't pulled out yet are whipping me in the face while I flail my arms savagely through the air in a vain attempt to clench onto anything that will keep me from falling into the abyss. Meanwhile, my poor battered feet are wondering what in the hell they did to deserve this.

I've been so stressed out, my body has been manifesting physical symptoms. Mainly these manifestations have been in the form of hives. Hives.... HIVES! Everywhere! All over my entire body. I didn't sleep for three days because I didn't stop itching long enough for my brain to shut down. What would a normal person do in this situation?? I don't know. I'm more the neurotic type so what did I do? At about 3:00am, I came to the conclusion that we have a horrifying case of the dreaded Bed Bug; never mind the fact that I am the only one they seem to be attacking. The minute the sun comes up the following morning, I tear the sheets off of the bed, throw them into a boiling hot wash, and do a very thorough inspection of the mattress. There are no signs of the little critters so I decide that while I can't see them, they must be there so I proceed to vacuum the mattress. And the box spring. And the pillow top. Then for good measure, I spray it all with Lysol and then again with lavender because Trista said that bed bugs hate lavender. Throw on a pair of clean sheets and life should be back to normal... Only it's not. Two days later, I'm still itching.. What the hell??

The only other alternative in my mind is that I must have lice. Body lice. My body is being invaded by microscopic (in my mind) bugs. They are everywhere! And I don't know what to do!! I called my husband in tears to let him know that I have not only exposed him to this vile vermin, but also our two year old daughter. Just what she needs on top of everything else...

I had already gone through all the possible places of contamination in my head so now I'm tearfully telling Matt where the lice have come from. "It could be from anywhere! Remember I went to that eyelash extension lady? I laid on a table that probably a million other people have laid on before me and that could have been it. Plus, we went to that movie with your dad and you know lice run rampant in movie theaters! That makes sense, it's been about two weeks, just enough time for the eggs to hatch!"

It took a while for Matt to convince me that it was all in my mind and that I just had hives from stress. Stress that a normal person would probably handle just fine. A neurotic person, a la me, has to have a physical and emotional breakdown before returning to some sense of normalcy.

I'm feeling better now... As well as can be expected, you could say. It's just funny how little things can build up inside yourself until one day, the cup runs over and you have a mess to clean up. I should probably go to counseling but even with insurance, the last thing we need is more medical bills. Until then, Benadryl, a glass of wine and a nice hot bath will have to suffice.. Unless I take a cue from Grace of "Will and Grace" and start going to AA meetings for the group therapy...