The Coffee Chronicles..

Mmmmm.... Hot water with a hint of coffee and lots of creamer.. Doesn't that sound delicious?? Yeah, it makes me want to vomit too.

Although I can't go into great detail, let's just say that I'm now in charge, so to speak, of making the coffee these days and somebody is not happy about it. That "somebody" uses approximately one to one and a half scoops of coffee to twelve cups of water. The end result is more like coffee flavored water (Maybe they're onto something with that... Flavored waters are huge right now!). That somebody has obviously never heard of the old addage that says, "The early bird gets to make the coffee." But I have. (evil cackle in the background)

I use about one scoop of coffee for every two cups of water. It's really strong, you know, just how coffee should be. My main reason for making it so strong was to make up for all the months I spent drinking shit colored water. I've been strutting around thinking, Well boys, there's a new sherriff in town! (more evil cackling, louder than last time)

I didn't want to overload the senses of the coffee consumers, however so I couldn't just waltz in and triple the strength of the coffee in one day.... No, no.. I'm much smarter (and slightly nicer) than that. I didn't want an uproar! I pictured a group of over-caffeinated-wide-eyed-rabid-looking-riffraff running wildly in all directions tearing furniture apart with their teeth while trying to wrangle the empty coffee pot out of one another's hands in a futile attempt to devour the one remaining drop of delicious coffee before breaking the pot and slashing each other's faces with the broken glass, then discovering and gorging themselves with every last coffee bean/grind in a five mile radius... NO, I couldn't chance that happening!! So, I slowly added more coffee grinds to the pot every day. No one even noticed! People have been buzzing around, happy as clams and eager to get things done! SUCCESS!!

Or that's how it would've went if it weren't for that certain someone who takes his coffee making duty VERY SERIOUSLY. He took it upon himself to prepare the coffee maker the night before so that I, "Just push the button! It's all ready for ya!" Everyday, I get a reminder. "Did you know that the coffee was ready to go this morning? Just push the button!" Like I wouldn't notice. So, I told him that I really appreciate it and it's so much easier for me, since I just have to push that goddamned button in the morning.

Don't worry though, the story doesn't end there.. I still make the coffee nice and strong. I just add water to the pot after everyone else has partaken of the morning nectar. He's none the wiser and I'm content. WIN, WIN. What else can you ask for?

Mind Games

I've recently come to the realization that I talk to myself.. A LOT. And not just the regular kind of talking to yourself like most people do, I have full on conversations with myself. Usually in my head.. And I am really funny so sometimes I just start laughing out loud (LOL). I'm sure this looks weird to everyone else.. Some girl, alone in her car, cracking up for no apparent reason. I pictured that scenario this morning shortly after I got to work and I laughed and laughed and laughed! I wonder what my coworkers think....

Is it just me??

Ah the Bad Girls Club... Somehow I always manage to get sucked back into watching this show. Is it just me or does it feel like this show is a prequel to several other shows? I see a future for these girls: Real Chance at Love, Rock of Love, For the Love of Ray J; and that's only the dating shows!! There's also Celebrity Rehab, Intervention and possibly, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Although that last one is quite a stretch..

The highlight of this season so far for me was when the girl some other girl referred to as 'Jay Leno Chin,' (HA!) made fun of two other girls for having eating disorders after falling down drunk and telling EVERYONE within a ten mile radius that she owns LA or runs it or something... I can't remember. I was to busy laughing at them for calling her Jay Leno Chin. Anyhoodily, it's maybe the funniest show on TV right now next to Jersey Shore.. And if you haven't watched that, you have not lived.

I'm saving that for another time... The Jaime and Amanda Talk About Celebrity Lives Blog.. COMING SOON!

This is what it has come to...

Everyone knows that I'm terrified of the dark.. I don't know why but I always have been. Yet for some reason, I can't stop myself from watching ghost shows!! I watch all of them; the one I'm addicted to now is Medium. I watch it every day because it's on Lifetime now, which is how I discover most of my favorite shows.

Anyways, ever since I started watching Medium I have developed this irrational fear that I might actually be a medium, or that I'm going to wake up and discover that I have become one over night. I wake up from every little sound and force myself to look around the room, in case there is a lonely soul there reaching out to me. I'm afraid that if there ever is anyone there, I will do what I do when I see Matt in the middle of the night and mistake him for a ghost, which is to make this horrible crying noise and throw the blanket over my head. And come on people, we all know that blankets are a magical barrier against anything even remotely scary.. You know that you've slept with your blanket pulled all the way up to your chin, sweating to death from fear, but you can't bring yourself to take the blanket off. Magical barrier. Problem solved.

Back to the story, I may be a medium.. Probably not because I think I would know by now but still... Last night I watched Medium and then I was too scared to turn the TV off so I watched Unwrapped, that show on Food Network about how they make treats. It was about salt water taffy and jellybeans. My dreams were about candy and ghosts. It was insanity!

If you think I'm crazy, I dare you to think about whether or not you could possibly be a medium tonight, when you're lying in your bed in the dark and it's quiet... Maybe, just maybe, someone will whisper your name. Maybe not but now you'll think about it and wonder, and probably be scared like me.

I can't wait to go home and watch Medium. :)

Oh my...

The Twilight Mall Tour is coming to UTAH!! November 14, 2009 at Fashion Place.



I'm scared!


http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/exclusive-summit-to-market-twilight-saga-new-moon-with-15-city-cast-tour/#

If I could scream, I would.

The post I did on Cabria's School of Photography has continued to infuriate and humiliate me over the past few days. It has absolutely refused to cooperate and post the pictures in the way I would like...

I have decided to give up on it entirely. It looks like crap. And I don't care anymore...

Also, what the hell Pandora.com?? Best internet radio site, HANDS DOWN and now they're charging?! It ruined my whole week... I'll probably subscribe though, just because I love that damn site so much. UNLESS someone can recommend another site??? It has to be comparable though. None of this finetune.com BS...

Irritated much?

I like to think that I am a laid back person.. I try not to let stupid things get to me but there are certain situations that all but force me to draw a line in the sand.

In my opinion, IF you are not under the age of 19, in a fraternity, participating in a sport, or paling around with your old college buddies, THEN you are no longer allowed to go solely by your last name.

Really, who does that? You can't really go into a professional setting and expect anyone to take you seriously when you introduce yourself as 'Just call me Anderson.' Don't those people know they're supposed to have first names?

I'm about to open up a can of Punch Face!

Picture it: A sunny Sunday afternoon. A grocery store parking lot....

My little 65 year old mother was walking to her car alone when suddenly, a car full of men pulled up next to her with their windows down and began chanting "WHITE POWER" while shaking their fists at her.

My family is of Hispanic descent and I am appalled that someone would do this to my mother! This behavior is absolutely shocking and disgusting.

Personally, I am amazed that there are people in this world that carry this kind of hatred around with them on a daily basis. TO the grocery store. ON a Sunday afternoon. As though it were a wagon full of daffodils, they hand out their fury to any and all that do not meet their "standards."

I only wish I had been there to spit into their car window.. I'm fairly certain I could master the trajectory of my saliva/mucus under the right circumstances. I've watched a lot of the VH1 reality shows and I feel as though I am one with the intricacies of launching saliva into the face of an enemy...

Lowered Expectations...

I have two dogs. Buster Brown and Bailey Ann Leeman. My mother tells me that Leeman and Brown cannot be their last names because they should share my last name as they are my family. I told her that I do not understand her logic as they are dogs and while I love them as much as I love Emma, they are not legally required to share my last name. PLUS, I don't know who their fathers are AND it's not even my fault.

That has nothing to do with my story but my mother also told me several times that it is nice to share. Anyhoodilydoodily, my two dogs are like children to me. I check on them several times a night, even though they now sleep two floors away; I worry about them when they're not acting like themselves, I call my family to share stories of things that they have accomplished or ruined.

Buster is the oldest of the two. He just turned six on February the 3rd. Buster is a Miniature Pinscher with stinky stinky breath and a bad habit of eating any and everything that is on the floor. He was once severely obese, a 250lb 17 year-old, the vet said. Buster is a dog's dog. He may even believe he is a human, I'm not sure. All I know is what I have observed and that is that he LOVES other dogs and quite possibly could be some kind of dog pedophile. He tries to get all other dogs to touch his doo-dah. If he were human, they would have thrown him in jail for the things he has done. As his mother, I'm embarrassed and ashamed of his actions, and I don't know what to do about it...

Bailey is a Chihuahua or a chicky-how-uh as Cabria says. Bailey is the complete opposite of Bust. She is not a dog's dog at all. She doesn't like dogs or people. She doesn't like much of anything except for her toy monkey who is purple, has no eyes, ears or arms and has recently been de-furred and gutted. It now looks like a rag with legs. Bailey carries this thing EVERYWHERE and guards it with her life. She has two tents and two beds that she has decided are hers alone and she will not let Buster near them. She runs from bed to tent to tent to bed trying to keep her territory safe from enemy infiltration.

I feel bad for Buster. He loves other dogs so much and all he wants is a dog friend to run around and get into mischief with. I bought Bailey in hopes of filling this void in his little dog life but as you can probably tell, the plan was a complete failure.

Shortly after I realized that Buster needed companions and Bailey was not cutting it, I decided to take him to dog day care. I found one near my work that only took small dogs and the cost was a reasonable two dollars per hour. I called and enrolled him for every other Friday. Knowing Buster's history of irritating other dogs, I liked the idea of all small dogs. I could just imagine him stealing a Rottweiler's bone and coming home with one ear less than he had when he got there.

Fridays came and went and Buster attended his dog daycare and loved every minute of it so much that he cried ALL the way home every time. He started to hide when I would come to take him home. He was in heaven there!

He had attended five or six times without incident and then one Friday, when I arrived to pick him up, he was not there. I asked after him and, no joke- they sent all the dogs outside so they could talk to me. They brought Bust out from a backroom; they told me that they had to kennel him for the day because he had caused quite the upset.

"Buster is a bully." The Dog Teacher began. It only got worse from there.

Apparently, he had stolen toys one at a time from smaller dogs and hid them throughout the play area. With each toy he ripped from the tiny teeth of the other dogs, his confidence grew. He then started to take the toys from dogs his own size and larger. Pretty soon, the dogs were in an up-roar (haha). They began chasing Buster around the facility. He LOVES to be chased so I can only imagine the joy he must have felt at this moment (I smiled at the thought of this and Mr. Woof stopped talking and gave me a stern look. I quickly changed my face to 'serious' and told him to go on.). Buster must have been really excited because he stopped and piddled on something. This was the turning point, the point in which the dogs took control and the people could do nothing but watch and wait....

According to the teacher, there was a dog riot and Buster was the 'ringleader.' Because Buster was ahead of the group when he stopped to potty, all the other dogs followed suit. Chaos ensued. They all began urinating in the same place as he had and then everywhere else. Once the people were able to catch Buster and kennel him, the other dogs calmed down.

As Mr. Woof was telling me this story, I couldn't help thinking about the fact that I pay these people two dollars per hour to care for my dog. Two dollars an hour for my special little guy's happiness. Two dollars an hour for his social well being. Two dollars an hour because I love him so much... Two dollars an hour every other Friday and they kennel him for the day because he stole a few toys and tinkled here and there?! What do they expect? This is a dog daycare for goodness sake!

Finally, I blurted out, "So, you couldn't have just called me eight dollars ago when this took place?"

The man's eyebrows furrowed then and he asked that I not bring Buster back to their facility unless, by some miracle, he learned to behave. He rarely goes on tirades like this at my home. I decided to point this stat out as I was leaving, only it didn't come out very eloquently.

Instead I yelled, "THANKS FOR NOTHING!" as I slammed the little gate shut behind me.

Silence followed the two of us as we slowly and sadly walked to the car. Buster cried all the way home again that day but this time, I think he knew he wouldn't be returning.

And so ended the days of doggy daycare.

Twitters and babies...

First of all, I've recently been hearing about Twitter.. I'm a little confused about this whole situation. I do not Twitter…. I don’t believe in Twitter. I’m medium sure that Twitter is just another way for the government to monitor our goings-on. Meanwhile, how did they let the Octo-mom slip through the cracks?

I know that no one wants to talk about the Octo-momster anymore but I need to share my thoughts...

First of all, I don't know who let her out of the house to get impregnated with the first SIX kids... Who told her that was ok six different times? Shouldn't someone have been monitoring her actions at some point? Then she went and had eight little babies put into her big giant tummy??? What the mother? These are questions I, as a tax paying citizen of these United States, would like to know. Really, shouldn't someone have stepped in at some point and said enough is enough already, you damn whack job?! Someone really fudged the bucket....

Hi rest of the world, here in America we still won't let the gays marry and live happily ever after, but you can birth as many babies as you please out into the world to use up all our energy and resources leaving 14 little carbon footprints all over the place?! What's the deal with that US Government??

Some people are saying that she tried to get pregnant with multiples in hopes of getting a reality show....

NOW, I hear she's in the works with TLC, I'm presuming, to get said reality TV show! Doesn't that channel have enough multiples-centered shows to date??? Really, it all started with John and Kate Plus Eight. Then they added Seventeen Kids and Counting. Now they've got Table for Twelve. They think people are going to care about FOURTEEN MORE CHILDREN? And what are they going to call it, Foodstamps for Fifteen?



Frankly, I don't have time for this business... I've got my own child, a neice and a nephew and I watch John and Kate Plus Eight. That equals eleven kids' lives I am currently following on a regular basis. I admit, I have browsed Seventeen Kids and Counting, mostly because I am medium sure the parents might have some role to play in the Apocolypse (I guess we'll see), but there is just no way I am going to be able to keep track of that many kids.. I think she totally missed the train with this whole giving-birth-to-multiples-and-getting-a-reality-show scene... Maybe if there weren't already a babillion shows on that subject but even then, I highly doubt the public would want to watch a show about a self-indulgent delusional Angelina Jolie wanna-be. I've got enough on my plate without having to keep track of another person's children.. No thanks,Octo-Mom, I'm full.

I think my house is haunted....

I made the mistake of watching a show on A&E called Paranormal State. It's all about ghosts and demons and all my worst fears. Matt and I watched it for weeks and weeks until I didn't dare to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without turning all the lights on. I was pregnant at the time so I had to use the restroom about five times a night. This resulted in a very irritated Matt.



Needless to say, Matt won't let me watch this or any of the other 'haunted shows' I've picked up in the last year. Haunted Friday is now just regular boring old Friday.



My mother says that those kind of shows open the door to evil things. Either she's right or else I've scared my brain to death....



All I know is that thanks to Paranormal State, I now know what 'Dead Time' is. Dead Time is ridiculous. Supposedly at 3am, spirits are more active. It's the Haunting Hour. I now wake up at 3am every night. TERRIFIED, thank you very much.

Ode to the breast pump.

If I had to choose an inanimate object to be my best friend, I'd choose my breast pump. Some of you might be thinking, "What are you saying, your breast pump?! What about your cell phone or your mascara? Anything but a breast pump!"

To you people, I say this: You can have your cell phones, mascara, lap-tops... Whatever you'd like. I would choose the breast pump HANDS DOWN. Hands down.

Now, if you're not breast feeding, it wouldn't make sense to choose a breast pump but if you are, how could you choose anything else?

Yes, your cell phone gives you connection to the world and beyond. It has games and text messaging and music; it's full of good times! But can it double for a purse? I don't think so.. Can you put diapers in it in a pinch? Not so much...

The breast pump does all these things and more. While it may not have games or texts or any of your fancy-schmancy technology, the breast pump is always there for me when I need it. It's everything you could ever want in an inanimate best friend! It's discreet, you can use it on the go, and you always feel relieved after you spend some time with it. What's more, it comes with little additions. The bottles and breast shields double for pretend air-horns. You just point them at co-workers and yell "BEEP BEEP!" and they scare annoying people away. It's amazing!

So you can keep your cell phones and lap-tops and whatnot. I'll just be here kicking it with my breast pump. We'll give you a little honk and wave as you pass us by, schlepping all the stuff that your cell phone can't carry for you.

Peace.

As my mother would say; what is this world coming to?

I've recently been caught up in the dating "reality" shows. The latest being, 'A Double Shot at Love with the Ikki Twins.' I know, I know, the name itself should be enough to send any sane person running in the opposite direction. For me, one quick peek proved to be fatal.

The premise surrounding this show is this: Two twin sisters, Vikki and Ricki, apparently could not find love in the real world so they decided that a reality show was the next best option. A group of desperate attention-seeking men and women compete in ridiculous challenges to win the affection of the surgery enhanced sisters.

Just so you know, they both chose the same guy. He was the weirdest looking person on the show and his job title is 'Boat Captain.' He then had to choose between them. He had told Ricki he loved her in a previous episode but then proceeded to choose Vikki, whom he said he was certain would be the perfect girlfriend. (The runner up also chose Vikki, although she was not chosen by either of the twins. NO ONE CHOSE RICKI. I laughed for days about that.)

This got me to thinking, what kind of people go on these shows? There are a plethera of different reality dating shows where contestants are forced to participate in humiliating competitions in hopes of gaining, what, love? Fame? I'm puzzled.

The worst of these are the VH1 date a famous person shows. Creepy-old-rode-hard-disease-ridden-has-beens looking for love in all the wrong places. The producers of this show decided it would be much to hard for the public to remember the birth names of the contestants so they opted for nicknames such as Toasteee, Like Dat and Deelishis. For the rest of some poor woman's life she'll be known as Buck-Wild: A woman who tried to "win" a relationship with Flava Flav AND LOST.

They didn't stop there though, oh no.. They gave the first place loser New York, her own show too! There are people who want to date Flava Flav's sloppy seconds. Who knew?

All I know is if I were looking for a romantic relationship, the minute someone started referring to me as 'Flaming Hot Cheeto' or something like that, would be the minute I pack my emotional baggage and move on.

In the midst of all this reality dating show madness I just have one question for the television networks; When is Lindsay Lohan getting her own show? You know that hot mess has been whoring around the town like it's her job. Why hasn't anyone been documenting this??? I'll bet she'd come up with some cracker-jack nicknames for her contestants too! Whiskey Macgee and Cokie McMethson, Mary-Jane Potter... I'd watch that show. No one wants to see Bret Michaels making out and fondling strippers on a damn bus! Lindsay Lohan swapping Valtrex for Adderall; there's a show!

Cabin Fever

This is an email I sent to my friend who wants to come see Emma. After reading it back to myself, I realized how much my life has changed now that I have a baby. I stay home every night! I copied and pasted this from the email:





Listen, this is my schedule.

Monday: I’m free til 9:00 pm when Intervention starts. Technically it’s a re-run but I watch it anyways until 10 when the new episode airs.

Tuesday: Free til 7pm when American Idol comes on. However, I’m fresh out of shows after that so my schedule opens up at approximately 8pm.

Wednesday: American Idol is on again at 7. I’M BUSY FROM 8-9PM. No shirt, no shoes, no business. Lost is on at that time and as you may have heard, there is no talking during Lost. The only time there can be talking is at Lost Appropriate Talking Times like during music montage or commercials. There are no other Lost Appropriate Talking Times. Actually, there are no Lost Appropriate Talking Times period. And there are no cell phones allowed. After that, I have to decompress for a few moments. Around 9:30pm I’m free again but only til 11pm when the new Real World is on. From 11-12 I hold my eyes open with tape or tooth picks, whichever is more readily available at the time. 12am on the dot: Sleepy time.

Thursday: Not so good for me. I’m double booked between 7 and 8 pm when Ugly Betty and Bones are on. I flip between channels during that hour. It gets a little messy. 8pm: Grey’s Anatomy. I pretty much pretend that this is my other life and these people are my friends. I free up at 9. America’s Best Dance Crew is on at 11 but that’s not pertinent.

Friday: There are no shows on Friday. I don’t know if it’s because I’m never home on Fridays or what. Maybe I watch movies??

Weekend: No shows.

So, that’s my schedule. I really can have visitors anytime but there is no talking during Lost.